too many words to speak out~~~

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9月24日

too many words to speak out~~~

A Good Day or A Bad Day?

Today I've seen Ann, and chated with her for about 2 hours. That was a really really lovely period of time for me. We talked a lot, almost concluding everything. However, on the way back to the academy, she told me that she had no feeling on me, and we are just friends. That's it! It reminded me the song Ordinary Friend sang by David Tao when I saw the words sent by the signal: Dang Ni Shuo I...I only wanna be your friend, Zuo Ge Peng You.Wo Zai...Ni Xin Zhong Zhi Shi just a friend, Bu Shi Qing Ren. Wo Gan Ji Ni Dui Wo Zhe Yang De Tan Bai,Dan Wo Gei Ni De Ai Que Zan Shi Shou Bu Hui Lai. So I...Wo Bu Neng Zhi Shi be your friend!! Yeah, That's right, I can not just be your friend!!!

Sean,

09/7/2006 10:56PM

To Write Down The Ponescript of Yesterday

Yesterday I've almost forgotten to write down this important info: June 25th is the birthday of Novosibirsk, my Bao Bei Ann's home town. Well, I find that I began to know her step by step, and that's a good news to me, isn't it? The day of Her arriving is coming soon, so I also begin to miss her day by day!! Looking forward to her arriving indeed!!

Yours in the evident hasty,

Sean

A Not Bad Day

Today I went to the internet cafe at the hot noon, and got the mail from Ann, through it is almost the original CAFE, or even just a place where there are lots of abandoned computers connected with the internet!!! Anyway, I finally get Ann's mail, so everything for me is worthy! From her words, I know she's great~~Hehe, a very good news to me!! Recently I find that she can effect my behavior, my mood, even my goal to the life, through she has not a little aware of it, so weird and so magic, isn't it? Not as to her, even I am surprised by myself! Do I really fall in love with her???? I have got no idea, but who can tell me??? Maybe the only one who can is Ann!!! Oh my god, sometimes I even think about marrying her!!! How could I think about like that??? I must be crazy! Ann, please please come here more and more quickly!!! I can't wait any more!!! I wanna go to the canival and the expo hand in hand with you, screaming together on the top of the space rader, snapping together on the wooden floating bed, and kissing in the air of love!!! I think I do fall in love with this special russian girl who bumped into my life suddenly! Will she change my future a lot?? Who knows? I'm sure the best way is let it be what it is gonna be, right?? Let time certify whether we are the one for each other in fate!!! Time will tell everything!! God bless me, A-men!!

Comfused with the sudden LOVE,

Sean

25/6/2006 11:01PM

27/6/2006 11:12PM

I'm a LUCKY dog, right?Really?

Well, listening to the gorgeous voice of the Cranberries mururing the song called Dying In The Sun, I cannot help thinking about one confusing question, AM I A LUCKY DOG? I know I am the DOG, even a little, in some persons' eyes, who owns a great family, so-called PERFECT ENGLISH(I know it's far from PERFECT), some kinda money, the so-so ability to dance,to sing and to show, the streetball playing, a lot of good friends, no matter who are natives or foreigners,and so on. Yeah, from the reasons above, I am the hell dog, at least conparing with the other poor boys. But do they understand I'm living a life which means nothing to me but wasting the precious time? Do they undertand there are a lot of differences between two people, even they are the alike twins, who have different opinions to life, different goals to achieve, different miracles to work out, and different persons to wait for and belong to? Do they understand it is pretty stupid to force his own feeling to the others, and the biggest life tradegy is having no crange to pursue his dream, while he has to give up something else? I don't think so. What impresses me more and more with the flowing of time here is that every one on this campus is living under masks, which seem very sun-shining, gorgeous(I perfer this lovely word more and more), healthy and smiling, making people believe that this is a wonderland, but you can see the tired, tearing, sophesticated, REAL face at the dark night, while he is facing at the dark sky, thinking about his future, the helpless future. The face is so clear, heart breaking, and hopeless, making every one drop the precious men's tears, as the chilling wind scratches over the body, which makes the pain exposed without walls and drilled into the core of the bones, over and over again...

I'm always trying to find the track of the time,however, when I know the time has forgotten me completely, I'm drowning in the endless teardrops...

As to the lost 100 yuan, the handed-in cell phone, and the coming punish, well, I don't know how to discribe the present emotion, it's just like a stone used to be in the mid-air plunged to the earth, without little nerveous,even with some kinda happy. What a weird man I am!! I'm sure that I am the one who hates the rules completely, even under my skins!!!I am born to be the man of anti-rules!! LOL How fucking happy I am today!!!

Ann is coming soon. Whenever I'm aware of this point, I start out to have the strenth to walk on the unknown road again. Is this the affection? Or the LOVE?? I have no idea at all. Standing in front of her, I'm just like a child who doesn't how to talk, how to act,and how to show my feeling in the right way and the right moment... Anyway, she is coming, and let's see what will happen. I wish it would a very romantic story!

With complicated and weird even little abnormal mood,

Sean

6/19/2006 11:24PM

Random words along with the unsteady heart!!!

As the title is, the words and the sentences in this article are not logical at all, but so what?? Who cares?? From the very beginning I have decided just to have a easy chat with myself! Get away, the hell traditional STANDARD article, which are prosite to the hell exams, not to me!

Nowadays, I've been always thinking about the puzzle: What should I do? Which way is the best for me? How can I find out the way? These puzzles might be around me for a long time, I know, and they are all very basical to me, especially in this special period. I do not wanna stay here more than one minute, but the hugest problem comfronted of me is where should I go to find my way? The pubs? The Hotels? Or even the construction bases? Everyting seems so untouchably smoky but also very concrete like the invisible wall, which makes me confused so much. Anyway, if the chance comes, I'm gonna seize it and won't let it slip, I swear here, throgh at present I still have not owned a clear concept of the CHANCE in my mind.

Another huge problem in my life is Ann, which even might be a surprise to myself. Tragically, the more effects I make on her, the far she seems to be from me. To be honestly, I've never anticipated that she will be so important to me, never before, and the attitude she has to me is keeping changing, the worse is, for the right side to the other side, the side which I don't want to be. She is the most inpendent girl I ever met, who is a lot of difference from such girls pretending to very TAME to their boyfriends, just showing the gorgeous, delicated, and sophesticated masks to their lovers, meanwhile cheating on them, as from the kinda strictest view. They are not the model of my dream-girl should be. But Ann, how to say, she is very outstanding and very matchful to me, from some kinda views. Well, she is so unique to me, and so beautiful. I love the personality she has, the way she treats things, and in-futrue advantages and disadvantages. God, please help me not to pass Ann, I know she is the Angel sent from you to me. You want me to own the ticket to the happiness, don't you? A-men! She's coming, she's coming, you know, she's coming. give me your precious hand, please, please!!

Very late now, and I'm not gonna burn the midnight oil just for the CET-4, because it doesn't worth. Stop it by here and continue the kinda weird chat with myself the next everning.

Ann, try to dream of me as I'm doing every night.

Running but without the direction,

Sean,

6/12/2006 11:32 PM

Where should I go?? How can I find my way??

These are so much I wanna say, but I don't know how to say, whom to say.

Well, how to start. These's so much I hear and see about the stuff of the military army and working and living in the army. I don't know whether what I hear and see are wrong or just a spot of leaves, however, they have just certified my determination on ESCAPING from the Army!!!

Well, on this point, my mom and dad and other relatives have always told me that I can choose stay away from it when I graduate and get a job in the roots, but is it really the right way, or the only correct way, which I have to go??? I don't think so. Why can't I find a job, which even is not very dencent in others' eyes, as long as I prefer it??? Why can't I live in my own way and let my beauty come out and let my color fill my little sky?? I just wanna own my little sky, my little world!!

What is what I want? Maybe it depends on the situation, or maybe it will keep in changing. But SO WHAT?? there's one thing I'm always aware of which is that whatever I want is, I will stick to it with no doubts!!! And what I want is what I am trying my best to achieve and breaking my back!!

Now I just wanna stay away from this fucking college, find a job, own some kinda experience, then apply for the Cornell University, which is my dream place!!! And another dream which should have been mentioned is, I wanna be with Ann, who I have the special feeling on, from the first glance!! Well, I know that being with Anna forever seems to be a very very unreal thing, also I know Anna and I havn't aware of each other enough to the point of talking about staying with each other for a lifetime in variety of aspects, as what Ann said before, But, Yu jian, you know,all I said to you is my true words from the bottom of my heart, I am also doing my best to avoid to pass you by, and you will see that I am the one who is worthy to lean your whole life on!! I swear here!! I am!!! Please trust on me!!

In a word, now my mind is very complicated and complex, hard to follow and understand. What I wanna say and shout out the whole world is I have to be strong for my present family and my forture one, and I have to be excellent enough for catching Anna's heart, which is very peculiar and weird for me, seen from the present situation. Every one on the earth is equal, why some friends of mine can have a successful life while I can't?? I won't give up, or even give in a bit!!!

God, please give me the precious chance to choose my whole life and hew out the mountain of despair a stone of hope!! It's the time to make the decision!!! Bless me, A-men!!!!

Confussedly,

Sean

5/20/2006 12:36AM

14:26 | 写入日志